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第一篇:《英语幽默笑话精选》
中大英才
英语幽默笑话精选 When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
中大英才
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?
" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?" Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
中大英才 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for
a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people. " Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."
中大英才 只算现金和信用卡
一个人打电话给一家汽车旅馆询问房租，旅馆的工作人员回答说 房租的多少取决于房间的大小和住客的人数。
“小孩儿算不算呢？”那人问道。
“不算，先生。”服务员回答，“我们只算现金和信用卡。”
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
精明的家庭主妇
一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
中大英才 可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？” “哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"
约会
在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？”
THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."
某学校发给学生的健康调查表里有个错别字——把“性别”的“性”字写成了“袜”字。一位母亲在为她的儿子填写表格时，在“袜别”的那栏填上了：“棕色为主。”
[注] 英语中sex（性）与sox（袜）只有一个字母之差。
第二篇:《爆笑的经典英语小笑话》
爆笑的经典英语小笑话
英语笑话（一）
老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？ 小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！
英语笑话（二）
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！
英语笑话（三）
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
英语笑话（四）
话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」
轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
英语笑话（五）
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
英语笑话（六）
一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！”
日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
英语笑话（七）
英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思”
学生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”
老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”
这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你。”
英语笑话（八）
某男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。
该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week“。
签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“
该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”
英语笑话（九）【搞笑的英语笑话精选】
一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。 他不放心的问道:turn left？
监考官回答：right.
于是他立刻向右转。
很抱歉他只有下次再来。
英语笑话（十）
传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞错了，把克林顿送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来，路上二人相遇。
教皇：感谢上帝，我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了（Virgin Maria）.
克林顿（坏笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late.
英语笑话（十一）
A：What’s on your hand？
B：Watch.
A：How to spell that？
B：T-H-A-T~
英语笑话（十二）
女：say“i love you”，say it，come on！say it！
男：it！
第三篇:《爆笑的经典英语小笑话》
爆笑的经典英语小笑话
英语笑话（一）
老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？
小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！
英语笑话（二）
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！ 英语笑话（三）
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 英语笑话（四）
话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」
轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
英语笑话（五）
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
英语笑话（六）
一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！”
日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
英语笑话（七）
英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思”
学生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”
老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”
这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你。”
英语笑话（八）
某男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。
该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week“。
签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“ 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”
英语笑话（九）
一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。 他不放心的问道:turn left？
监考官回答：right.
于是他立刻向右转。
很抱歉他只有下次再来。
英语笑话（十）
传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞错了，把克林顿送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来，路上二人相遇。
教皇：感谢上帝，我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了（Virgin Maria）.
克林顿（坏笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late.【搞笑的英语笑话精选】
英语笑话（十一）
A：What’s on your hand？
B：Watch.
A：How to spell that？
B：T-H-A-T~
英语笑话（十二）
女：say“i love you”，say it，come on！say it！
男：it！
第四篇:《最完整英语幽默笑话精选》
吝啬鬼的聚会
[ 2007-09-17 08:12 ]
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
结婚付出的代价
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